Hurtful Fathers

There’s always a unique bond between fathers and daughters, it is natural, it is how nature ordained it. It’s why fathers are protective of their daughters. It is also why daughters are specially hurt when their fathers offend the balance of expectations of the bond and without forgiveness that offence is often carried over into marriage, and it’s often buried deep in the psyche of the young lady. It’s triggered by fears, and semblances of past offences, mistakes and experiences. Then comes outbursts and unwarranted over-reaction to seemingly trivial issues.

forgivenessUnforgiveness of the father is a major cause of matrimonial dysfunction. It has destroyed many marriages and destabilized the bright futures of many innocent children. Some women are so hardened that they refuse to forgive their father even in death. These women soon become unforgiving all round, allowing this deadly virus (unforgiveness) to ramify the filesystems of every facet of their lives. They can carry a ten-year old grudge pregnancy, they are so adept at it. They marry and think they have moved past the past; but in reality the issue lay buried in the womb of their being.

5-quotes-and-sayings-about-forgiveness

The problems often begin just after the cusp of puberty, usually between ages 14, 15, 16 years…this often when biology and sociology bump into each other to produce hurtful consequences, which sneak into hibernation like a wicked virus. About that age most girls are taking decisive exams e.g. entrance exams into university, or some life-changing examinations. This period is a sociological test of parenthood, the father being the provider of the family is full of high hopes but also very wary. He wants to boast, to tell stories of how his daughter took after his academic dexterity and prowess. To all fathers, all their daughters are beautiful and so is the idea of beauty and brains. Now let us imagine a daughter getting pregnant at this prime and delicate time, which unfortunately is the period of most teen pregnancies. Many fathers may not be able to handle it, it sends some over the edge, many feel dejected, hence some over-react; they throw the girl out. Some men who are quite weak at handling the situation would take it to the extreme, they’d “disown” the child as if it’s possible.

You see, parents know the importance of those exams, they’ve been there before but the child can’t really appreciate them until much later in life. The father knows the exam is the doorway to his dreams for his daughter. Nothing must endanger it. The child wants to pass no doubt but she lacks the capacity to appreciate the real consequences of failure at that stage. In a family of high achieving and talented girls the seeming laggard will feel unloved and unwanted. But unknown to many parents she may just be a late bloomer. The father’s frustration and drive will create immense pressure on the seemingly slow child.

Trust the child as a social being with her will and mind still intact, she wouldn’t want to be outdone even by the father, she’d need an avenue to release the pent-up pressures and in response she will develop secret resentment and in some cases she may even become jealous of her siblings. She’ll attribute the lack of affection to her deficit of academic excellence, which is true but not true. The child soon begins to push back in allegories of rebellion, which further affect academic performance, which further infuriates and frustrates the father. Her grades then become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a vicious cycle. She will accumulate resentment like trophies. She’ll feel like an outsider in her own family. But being needful of love she’ll resort to seek love and validation elsewhere, and not getting it she’ll develop low or poor self-esteem. You can then understand why any achievement in the future then becomes her revenge which is why she’ll put undue pressure on her husband to achieve (that bloke better be ready for some tough pushing). She needs his achievement for validation.

In the family structure she’ll feel the respect she needs is not accorded her. And so no love, no acclamation, no respect… Nothing weakens a child more than the belief that her biological father doesn’t believe in her, it could drive some girls to depression and hence suicidal thoughts sets in. And there are also those fathers who take out their frustrations on their children and some are just plain irresponsible. And then there are those who punish their wives by punishing their child this is quite common in divorce situations.

Unforgiveness destroys the beautiful promises in a marriage, it hardens the soul. We become tough, and so difficult to change, prone to vengefulness. No slight will go unnoticed and unpunished excessively, just to teach someone an invaluable lesson. An unforgiving woman transmogrifies. She begins to lie in wait at life’s roundabouts… to extract revenge, seeking to inflict maximal damage where possible.

Unforgiveness makes her prone to a rare variety of moodiness- cynical moodiness which was not there at the outset. She weaponises her moodiness, God help whoever happens to be her victim at those moments. Loving her becomes an arduous task. She becomes manipulative in nature more like the strange woman being talked about in the book of Proverbs, she starts withholding affection dealing it out in trickles, never admitting her true feelings. Pride then sets in, she wants love but won’t give out love, though on purpose. She soon begins to despise those who love her. Then she becomes rude and saucy. Nobody can correct her. Her default mode is thus established and upheld. Moodiness utilises a whole lot of muscles in the body and hence saps human strength. It soon begins to sap her strength. She slips in and out of depression almost easily. Nothing destroys the loving ambiance in a home like moodiness.

The moody build environmental prisons with the raw materials of foul emotions. It wouldn’t be surprising if she soon metamorphosed into a warder, she’ll become controlling. All these are expressions of insecurity. The mood soon becomes accusing, accusations I hope you know are invented to justify the mood. The husband is then punished severely for his kindnesses, and for any success he acquires. She’ll be unhappy and can’t be happy. May God help the husband in such a marriage. It is either he runs away, or he succumbs to clinical depression. Is that who you want to become? You’ll be most unhappy and miserable.

An unhappy person can’t give happiness and is also incapable of receiving either. For how long are you going to keep on fighting your father? Into the grave?! Beyond?! (Even when the father is dead some still continue to fight the corpse! What insanity!) Those who fight the dead kill something in themselves. Your heavenly Father has forgiven you so much. Why can’t you forgive your earthly father? There’s so much to this life than wallowing and labouring under the sins of the father, your life is bigger than your past…

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About Bamigboye Olayemi

Whatever you do or wherever you find yourself, try to make a difference, try to live a purposeful life by helping others in your own little way because that is all we should all aspire to do in this chaotic world that we find ourselves...we are here for all of us.
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2 Responses to Hurtful Fathers

  1. Afolabi Joshua Sola says:

    Good job brother, may God continue to be with and endow you with source of inspiration

    Like

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