Remember the fictional character of the Mission Impossible film series played by Tom Cruise? In the first film, he was an IMF (Impossible Mission Force) agent saddled with the responsibility of recovering stolen files containing information on all IMF’s field agents. Unknown to Hunt, the mission was a set-up by his own boss with whom he shared a very close bond…Morals: whoever you are or whatever you do; never do a Ethan Hunt…for the sake of those who haven’t seen the film series before; all I am trying to say is ‘Do not try to be a messiah’.
So what has Mr Ethan Hunt got to do with relationships you might ask? Let me try and explain like this…When a marriage shouldn’t be, my observation is that God makes the facts known to you even before you commit and this is regardless of the status of your relationship with Him. God is that way, He is love and He loves everyone. Usually there might be a squabble and this is not your conventional squabble, there’s a conclusive feature to it. It’s a, “We either go on or we call it quits right now” kind of dispute. Or sometimes there’s a major exposure of a fact that is so decisive and potentially toxic like discovering she’s into prostitution, or she’s been sleeping with her ex, or fooling you about a salient fact in her past. It may be the fact she has a child and never disclosed such and the mother was in on it. That she has a child is not in itself a problem, it’s the level of treachery/deceit that is of worry. For the women it can be a vicious lash out of unprecedented fury by the guy, or even the striking of the woman. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact he’s been patronizing the brothel, or is actively in another relationship. Sometimes it could be the discovery of the fact she’s in love with someone else or that she’s only marrying you for practical reasons – she wants to settle down, her real love is not ready but you have a good profession and are ready.
God presents these facts to us before marriage though many fail to heed the warnings maybe due to ignorance or wilful disobedience. When these facts are revealed there’s always a certain perception and comprehension (sounds familiar?); and there’s always an opportunity to escape. Sometimes the other party in a streak of tormented conscience offers us an opportunity to escape; they would often offer to break up the relationship, or they say they can’t go on, or can’t do again. But instead of taking the route of escape, that is when we then decide to be Ethan Hunt/heroic/superhuman/messianic. We decide to plunge on despite the numerous warnings and red flags. Some of those decisions are oftentimes based on a mercy complex probably from feelings of guilt about our own past. A woman who’s had multiple sexual partners for example may decide to over-look the patronizing of prostitutes by her boyfriend. Sometimes it’s based on a conceived illusion that you’ve both been through thick and thin together when that’s not true. It’s simply Ethan Hunt-ism – the desire to play a gallant and self-denying role; it makes us ignore salient facts. When horrible facts stare us in the face and we insist on going into a ruinous merger, what can anybody really do? There’s really nothing anybody can do and remember God respects freewill.
We occasionally thoughtlessly assume the state of our heart is the natural state of the other person’s heart. That’s a very dangerous assumption, not only for marriage but for life as well- it’s a puerile supposition. But if someone has a good heart you can sense and “feel” it all over you, there’s a warm unclear feeling you get about the person. You “feel” the kindness of the person of a good person, it’s of emotional quality. But if someone has a moneygrubbing/gold-digging/avaricious tendency you can feel something off in that personality. Usually we over-look those “feelings” with a consideration of peripheral/vague things, like beauty. But the fact that a woman is beautiful doesn’t change the fact that she’s dangerous, she then becomes dangerous beauty (that would make for a good movie title, Nollywood where are you?). The beauty doesn’t eliminate the avaricious disposition; they’re two different modules of parameters. Beauty is physical; the mercenary disposition is a character and values flaw and both beauty and mercenary disposition can exist side by side. Oftentimes Ethan Hunt-ism is often accompanied by a messianic complex – the desire to save someone. But you can’t save anyone; you seem to have forgotten that you’re not God. You can’t even save yourself, only the Lord saves.
And so you’ve taken upon yourself two impossible virtues going into such a marriage. First is the desire to be a loyal super hero; then you take on the role of the Messiah. In a matter of months that marriage will begin to grille at the joints of the union. But after marriage there’s a new set of realities, the past is concessioned. Your wife is no longer the woman you married out of mercy/pity; she’s just what she is, your wife. Past concessioned. And then the troubles begin and soon gets worse. The woman resumes her cheating, or the guy resumes his drugs and the violent guy believes he now has a license to hit the lady at every whiff of disagreement. He starts beating her blue black green and magenta (cyan sef join). Her value is now discounted, he has conquered her. He begins to ridicule her virtues. For the guy, the woman begins to do things to his face to the bewilderment and dismay of society. She becomes unashamed, after all she offered a way out of the marriage but you chose not to take it when you had opportunity. And then your suffering begins; you have a malfunctioning partner who is malfunctioning on an industrial scale. And when a partner begins to malfunction on an industrial scale, the longsuffering partner suffers greatly albeit in silence. His health will be worn-out, he will have no peace; he will live under a dark cloud in fear, despair and depression. And depression can take one to cavities of darkness under the earth, it is a black hole. There’s no escape except by miracle and only the Lord can turn a black hole into a wormhole but even then you can’t come out without squalor.
Listen to me Oga/babe forget all these heroic stuff you’re trying to do, deal with the facts. Ethan Hunt-ism is gross foolishness. If you persist you’re going to pay a horrible price, which you’ll later discover is not worth it; save yourself from the black hole. If the facts are warning you before you commit, accept the warning. If you do meet a wonderful partner however, marry him/her fast! Don’t dilly-dally or shilly-shally (delay can be dangerous). You don’t want to lose him/her. Some people waste good fortunes, they lose wonderful partners only to pick up rubbles and live a life of regret. They keep dawdling over the decision to marry a good person, until they frustrate the person away; years down the line they begin to wonder what could have been (I do not want this for you). A good man or woman is God’s mercy and grace in biological form, he or she is a container of gifts for marriage.
May your eyes of understanding be enlightened…Thrive