This is dedicated to all my single ladies out there, keep the hope alive because your knight is on his way…
To the single lady out there, sure you’ve seen her! Determined and slenderised, her appearance delicately fleshed, she’s no doubt lovable and affable but that’s not very evident. She has a very sound education – her family is made up of intellectuals (father, mother and siblings). She has the gift of fierce brainpower, and a radical bit of outlook – you know the kind that products of intellectual environments tend to have. She can move mountains for those she loves. That’s one thing about her. Some will even say she’s disposed to to emotional suicide. Those she loves she loves.
Deep down there where it matters, she’s romantic though cloaked by busyness. She seems to have taken a cue from God on the documented life. God has a Book of Life, she created a memoir of life as well. God records names and acts in his book. She does in hers too. Her journal is highly confidential of course, just like God’s. It’s so intimate she guards it with her life. It’s a memoir cum emotional scrapyard. It’s full of stories, and chronicles, and reflections, soliloquies of the mind. Her pains, her struggles, her triumphs, her loves… the near misses and infatuations; wishes, prayers, desires (very endless)… All are in there.
Surely the thought of loss of such a book must put incredible stress on one. But some people like to live on the edge of black holes. They enjoy life at the edge of catastrophe. The book is some form of catharsis. It’s full of secrets – secret joys and secret pains.
There’s the secret pain of being single past the age range of conjugality as defined by society. It’s a big masquerade in every room of conversation she enters; life seems to be full of such chambers for her. Nobody wants to talk about it; everyone dances round it – quite understandable you’d agree. But the formation of life is such that there will always be one or two who accidentally intrude into emotional privacy, and so someone will unavoidably utter a prayer for “your own husband”- as if there’s any other type of husband. She has attended countless singles events where the heroism of being single is much celebrated. The religious say Paul was single and so was useful to God but here’s only one problem: her name is Adunni, not Paulina.
Let’s be honest, and let’s be real to ourselves: there’s no heroism in being single if you crave marriage. Being single is not adulation for the matrimonially minded. No amount of painkilling and sermonizing can change that. What you have is longings, and contemplations of what could have been; and what should be. It’s a big struggle! And so in her journal she records her disappointments in present continuous tense. She continually diarises her heartache.
She also records what no one wants to talk about: her sexual pressures. She records her Friday night tears… on Friday nights – no one taking her out, all alone by herself. She records the struggle of being alone. She records having no one with copyrighted claim over her heart; the aloneness of going to the movies alone; of dating the available not the wanted. It’s a source of tempting pressure for her: should she marry to get married, or should she keep hoping her man will come? Should she wait for the appearance of love, or cruelly crush her ideals on the concrete block of realism? She misses not being able to share her dreams with someone, not being able to snuggle up with someone and steal a kiss; receiving presents from that special someone, even fighting with someone! Most importantly, she doesn’t have the joy of conversing about starting a home with that someone, of having his babies. I don’t care how strong you might think you are, that will get to you after one or two bridal/baby showers of your contemporaries.
Unfortunately, the mating ritual we call life does not provision for equality of partnering opportunity. While she’s looking for ONE man, some are getting multiple offers and squandering them. Some would describe her as independent, but what else could she be? She is independent! She’s alone! Independence is a party of one! You can’t be dependent if there’s nobody to depend on. When you’re alone you rely on yourself and of course God (if you’re the religious type). Loneliness produces distortions and conflictions, That’s when the shameless longing in your thoughts for another woman’s man creeps in. Though it clashes with morality, the thought is nonetheless entertained and dwelt upon, you begin to see the otherwise unimaginable you.
She’s been the unfortunate target of young men out for commercial and sexual exploitation. And someone is always trying to fix you up with “my cousin coming in from the States”. Then there’s that jealousy that comes from interacting with someone who unknowingly took someone you wanted.
What do you do? I’d say do what you’ve always done: Encourage yourself, make the most of your career, business. Dress well, go out with the girls, party, watch movies, travel, get a hobby, play, eat well… Of course rejoice with those who rejoice. Dream every night, hope every day. Someday your knight will come. He may be in shining armour, or suit or jeans. Until then, live, pray, love!