Go for a guy who respects you, not the one who trifles with your emotions
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Go for a guy who respects you, not the one who trifles with your emotions
Most problems in marriages often stem from a clash of Systems – a catastrophic head on collision of three major systems and since each system has its own philosophy it means three philosophies might clash in any given union if adequate care is not taken.
There’s the secular humanism, there’s traditional African culture, as well as Judeo-Christian belief system. Each of these is a complete system, none needing succour from the other with each having its own philosophy, values and adjudicatory system…different outflows you might say. Regrettably they are operationally conflicting, their marital philosophies don’t agree, they are like Cartoon Network’s Tom and Jerry.
Secular humanism for instance rejects religious dogma as the basis of morality and decision making in marriage and so when couples operate a farrago of marital philosophies there’s bound to be misunderstanding and squabble… and this is what reinforces the confusion; because both you and your husband are Christians, you got married in church, it follows therefore that the Bible is the legal norm – the fundamental regulatory authority in your marriage. But you had to go through a traditional marriage ceremony to satisfy the autochthonous diktats of your tribe. You also formally got married under Common Law, you married at the court registry effectively bringing your marriage under the three systems. The average African christian elite goes through all three hoops, yet each of these marriages is actually adequate before God. We only go through each process to satisfy different requirements and generate certain outcomes not minding its after-effect (some couples become impoverished after marriage). Each of these systems is recognised by God as a marriage. Whatever a society defines as a marital process is what God accepts.
For Adam and Eve; a society of two – a mere pronouncement and behavioural agreement was sufficient. Adam simply called Eve bone of bones, flesh of flesh, it was a simple equation (symbolic declaration of binary union by Adam + Agreement from Eve = Marriage). If in your society the paying of bride price or hunting for the eel fish is what defines marriage, God will recognise it, and if drinking two cups of boiling water or juice and frog-jumping is the ceremony of marriage in your community, God will recognise it as well. Yes, it does seem like I’m bursting a few religious bubbles about marriages but truth is truth. God recognises traditional marriages as much as he recognises Common Law weddings or church weddings.
But since convention insists you go through all three ceremonies then you have to determine which you want to operationalize, you have to determine which will regulate your marriage. Each system defines roles, responsibilities and expectations. If you don’t resolve the logic of your marriage there’ll be clashes, false expectations and disenchantments. A marriage can’t run on two contradictory systems there’ll be issues. If the wife holds on to secular humanism and the husband holds on to traditional African culture, there’s going to be conflict ditto if the man assumes Judeo-Christian marital philosophy but the woman is on a secular humanism platform. It’s a clash of titans and a house divided against itself cannot stand says the bible. There’s bound to be a contest of viewpoints.
This clash of titans often becomes apparent in a conflict situation…Which system will you adopt to resolve issues? Traditional African culture says to call the families and elders, they (families and elders) constitute the judicial system, they can review the administrative decisions of a husband (he’s just local government)…The federal might lies with the elders. It’s a Presbyterian system – government by elders. The constitution is culture and tradition.
The Judeo-Christian belief system on the other hand employs the bible as the regulatory framework; it integrates the Pastor…I am sure you can see the clash already. The systems clash because of underlying differences in philosophies. One peculiarity of the African traditional marriage system is that the woman marries the man AND his family, she is hierarchically junior to her husband’s brothers and there’s pecking order among in-law wives and this can often lead to inconsistencies. The Judeo-Christian system in its own right says the man must leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife which in logical term dictates he must bond with his wife’s family.
In a secularist system however both partners are co-captains, none has a higher governmental position. The Judeo-Christian system on the other hand says in governmental structure the man is the head of the home while the traditional African system is a dictatorship of one (Remember Idi Amin of Uganda or General Abacha of Nigeria)… a wife can’t confront her husband in the traditional African system, that’s suicidal.
So in essence you guys (husband and wife) have to make up your minds on which system you want to follow. If you choose to operate the Judeo-Christian system according to your faith then you can’t escape Paul’s admonition in Ephesians 5:22-24 MSG: “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.” …It is that simple and plain!
Here’s the continuation of the Paul’s adjuration though often ignored: Ephesians 5:25-28 MSG: ‘Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor – since they’re already “one” in marriage.’
If you go by this then I can’t see your marriage derailing but of course it’s wholly dependent on you two and the good thing is, Paul never married so no one can accuse him of prejudice or bias.
Marriage is a very, very powerful institution… It’s incredibly potent and all that’s required is for you make it work…Will you make it work?
I think people worry too much about what others say about them in any given situation. It sort of paralyses, immobilizes and reduces the energy commitment to your vision if you allow it a moment’s space in your mind; and this leads to you second guessing and third guessing yourself which could lead you to being indecisive on any scheme.
The reason for your worry is simply because you don’t yet understand the technicalities of public opinion, or how the world operates. Opinions are not necessarily processed reflections; they’re just exclusive expressions of individuals. Opinion is a fundamental human right franchise; everybody has an opinion, including a 7 year old kid. Everybody will and must have an opinion. And oftentimes if not 99% of the time, opinions are merely expressions of prejudice, and hidden and not so hidden agenda.
Taking a critical look at it, the man who expresses an opinion seeks to exercise indirect influence over the lives of others. He’s trying to influence others to have biases and views about a person in order to create social pressure. He seeks to shape lives, determine courses and associations…shape outcomes. It’s an indirect kind of governmental control. If you don’t realize this you’ll be unsuspectingly teleguided via a carefully schemed regulator mechanism…but if you’re ever going to realize your vision of being great in life you must learn to exercise pachydermatous indifference to people’s opinion. That’s not saying you shouldn’t listen to anybody, just try to figure out motivations, biases and agenda…simple!
Not every good advice is rightly motivated and certainly not every offer of help comes from a clean heart…just apply discretion and be wise. There are some opinions you shouldn’t even pay attention to because the structure of life is such that attempts to climb the ladder out of obscurity into limelight are attended by ill wishes of the pessimist or cynical. Everything is okay to them as long as you don’t exhibit ambition but once you express aspiration/hope/desire the tentacles of hatred/hostility protrude. Come to think of it, these people whose opinions matter so much to you, who you so worry about, in reality what can they do to you? Were you consulted when they made decisions concerning their own affairs? My point exactly! So why worry yourself to death, subjecting yourself to the manipulative effect of the opinion and prejudices of others?
Who you marry is your decision; has to be your decision, yours and yours only. If you’re going to be the rightful head of your household then you must take responsibility for its creation from start, don’t allow them create it for you. Your submission in allowing others to choose a wife for you does not eliminate your responsibility, that you subject your matrimonial choice to cultural forces won’t absolve you of responsibility for the outcome. You will surely live with the consequence of your choice whether good or bad. If your choice is good, you’ll enjoy a blissful marriage; but if you make a bad choice…well…God is your muscle. Do not allow people make choices for you, they don’t necessarily know what is good for you, can’t know what your heart really desires or what you need.
That the woman you love is from a broken home, a divorcee or a single mother should ordinarily not be an issue, unless you allow it develop into one, it’s all cultural really. You’re just dealing with cultural prejudices that are sometimes hypocritical and silly if not ridiculous. It’s your choice and it’s your decision. I’d like to believe that you know who’s good for you…If this lady is as wonderful as you describe her to be then what is the meaning of “the only coma is the fact she’s from a broken home”? Which coma if I might ask? Who’s composing these sentences in your head anyway? The world certainly is not short of punctuation marks when it comes to blocking happiness in the sentence of life. If you find love, joy and peace why would you throw it away on account of cultural bias? Or are you trying to please them?! You can’t please the world my friend. Life is too complex for these imaginary considerations. If you know a single mother, divorcee or widow will give you happiness don’t throw the opportunity away because of mere babble.
You don’t know the world! See, some of those babbling have bitter marital experiences, they’re channeling their angst. They don’t want you to have happiness too, they want you to join the fellowship of the unhappy, and they prefer you to be miserable as they are. Now, making your relationship work is another thing entirely, I’m sure you know too well that good choice is not enough, though a part of the process of having a fulfilling marriage.
In a nutshell all I have been trying to say since is that DON’T ALLOW CULTURAL TECHNICALITIES ROB YOU OF HAPPINESS; you may live in regret the rest of your life. Whether you marry a biological virgin, or a technical virgin, divorcee, widow, single mother or double mother let the choice be yours not someone else’s. You know what you want, you know what you like, so take responsibility and let them talk!
The general principle is that a man must take responsibility over his life and choices. You can’t turn around tomorrow and blame God for your choice of wife! Adam tried it but didn’t work. Remember “the woman whom thou (God) gavest me” ploy? It didn’t work! God held him accountable. Of course you can approach your pastor for counsel; he’s infused with capacities of grace…but you can’t reject responsibility for your choice of marriage partner…So my advice to you is very simple “live your life and let them talk”!
Sometimes our path to the top is blocked by existing order and established protocol and too often we imagine that protocols and orders cannot be changed. And so we give up and pursue lesser visions…Never forget you’re dealing with an Almighty God who will bring His purpose to pass in your life regardless of protocol. So stop worrying about HOW God is going to accomplish what He promised you; when God promises you something, your job is to believe His word.
It’s not where you start from that matters in life, it’s the God you have…God can take you to any height. Your point of origin is not the determinant of your destiny, God is. Look at what God says to us in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the thoughts I think towards you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jeremiah 29:11) God has a strategic plan and blueprint design for your life, that’s why He spoke about an expected end – Leke Alder
A man who trifles with the emotion of a lady is not worthy of being called a man rather a nincompoop would be more fitting. Emotion is a dangerous substance, it is volatile and highly combustible. Never bring a woman to the point in which she no longer cares, the point at which she’s ready to burn down the house and let all hell loose because at that point only God is sovereign enough to save your life..Therefore beware of woman’s wrath, it could consume your life…Treat’em with much respect, love and care and you’ve just found for yourself a friend for life.
When God says He has good plans towards you (Jeremiah 29:11), He truly does, just relax and don’t shorten your lifespan with worry (Philippians 4:6) because faithful is He that calls you who also will do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24)..therefore rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice (Philippians 4:4).
At some point in our lives we have been victims of different encircling resonances; these sounds could be from our environments or from our emotions (minds) causing distractions of some sort, these distractions if not managed well can ultimately upset the balance of our tranquil life and as a man or lady, distractions abound every time with every waking moment. To my dear eligible spinsters and bachelors, you are constantly a victim of surround sound technology though the manufacturer might not be DTS or Dolby! You may not have realised this yet but some guys and babes are simply sound engineers, they just know how to wangle surround sound. By surround sound your mind will probably race towards multichannel audio technologies used for both theatrical/consumer grade applications owned Dolby and DTS, Inc…and quite rightly the idea for the founding of this technology was birthed by similar experiences humans go through in their daily lives.
So what is a “surround sound” you might ask? It’s simply your environment canopied by the presence of a man or lady (lurking around you like monitoring spirits) furnishing you with incessant phone calls, constant sound of text messaging and notifications on social media platforms (BBM, twitter, Facebook, Whatsapp etc).
When you open your eyes to the breaking of the day there’s a loving text waiting for you, when you are at your table in the office there’s a monitoring spirit in form of (BBM, Twitter notification) disrupting your flow with sweet messages that can set you on an emotional roller coaster; when you go to bed at night there’s a text or deep baritone voice ushering you to sleep. He/she’s the first person you talk to in the morning (even before God) he/she’s the last person you talk to at night. He/she is everywhere you go (reminds me of MTN)! Darling, Love, Baby, Boo, Bae, Sugar, Sweetheart, Honey, Sweeriepie… it won’t be long before he/she gets you! Those words are messing up your brain with a speed similar to the speed of light, your body tickles in expectation of those phonic expressions of blandishment! “How was your night darling?” “Was the mattress comfy sweetheart?” “Have you had something to eat today honey?” “Baby where would you prefer I take you to for dinner?” (As if she told him she was hungry) “Sweety, [often pronounced “sweerie”] was the ride to the office smooth?” “Honey, do you want me to cook for you?”…and you start chortling from mouth to mouth thinking you have finally found the one (shaking my head as an African mother does when her grown up daughter fights for souvenir at her age mate’s wedding).
Kindness breeds attractiveness and this is the reason a kind heart is always seen as beautiful irrespective of what the physical appearance portrays. By the time you combine this show of care with the tonal quality of the mellifluous voice; you’re finished! Even though it is true words mean a lot to women, I’m of the opinion that it’s even truer for men; and not just the very words but tonality too. Her voice on the phone painted a wonderful “picture” of her in your imagination though you hadn’t met her. By the time you finally met her you’d been so hypnotized that the reality discrepancy didn’t mean a thing. The look is different from how they sounded on the phone (black market). The voice tone created a covering/veil around your brain processors effectively slowing it down to that of a laptop with a 256MB RAM; reality becomes skewed. She somehow strikes you as “Beautiful!” though many will remove the exclamation mark from your assessment without a thought. Love and lust create impairment of judgment and as long as you love and lust you’re prone to misrepresentation of reality, and when your gape is layered on a partial charm of a reality concocted by surround sound you won’t see the obvious.
There was once a man who never realized how beautiful his woman is, he never saw it, he couldn’t just see it and most of us are like that, sometimes in life we are just oblivious of the obvious! And occasionally who we think loves us is the creation of surround sound by an interested party. There are those who specialize in the synthetic manipulation of proximity/closeness to produce a phony realism of affection. I know of an uncle of mine who was reprogrammed by the surround sound of a lady. My uncle was an usher in the church and here comes the lady as a worshiper ready to join the church but unbeknownst to my uncle or any member of the church, this lady was actually in desperate search for a husband. They started getting familiar with each passing day and before anyone could say ‘Jack Robinson’ this lady was already pregnant. A great fight broke out as my uncle’s family tried rejecting the reality of the pregnancy though they eventually succumbed and my uncle had no choice but to marry the lady.
There are three types of perception: what we see with our own eyes; what we see with our mind; and what we desire to see. Our eyes, minds and passions see different realities. What we “see” with our mind is greatly influenced by what we hear; works with the same principle of faith. Faith comes by hearing or isn’t that what the bible says? Surround sounds creates what is termed “faith realities”. Because faith is the evidence of things not seen you’ll tend to see what is not there. “Faith reality”. In other words, what we hear is so much powerful it can paint a picture that overwrites what we actually see. Faith does have a bearing on what we “see” through the prism of passions, lusts and desires
Faith is also the substance of THINGS HOPED FOR, so you’ll definitely “see” what you hope for but not reality! Our lusts and desires have the tendency of making us see what we desire in someone but not what is essentially there! If the “faith reality” generated by this person is strong enough he/ she’ll succeed in marrying you. That’s the simple fact! It’s why some marriages are baffling- and how some people end up marrying obviously manipulative partners. In simple term faith is a possibility term because everything deemed impossible is achievable through faith, Master faith. This is typical of a persistent young man in the pursuit of a girl; he’s simply trying to leverage the principle of supplication in the bible.
The principle of supplication works on the wearing down of resistance through sheer persistence (Luke 11:5-10 NLT). And the lady goes from “NO!” to “No” to “no” to “You know…” to “May be” to “Yes!” There are so many dimensions of faith, it depends on your understanding and application of it and it works across many strata of one’s life. Faith can move mountains you know, including the mountain of objection to conjugal pursuit! However, never confuse the workings of faith articulated in scriptures with the ‘so-called’ New Age teachings. You’ve got to be careful about so called “Laws of Attraction”, that’s a dangerous territory to tread. They call them “New Thought” but they’re in fact age-old explorations of metaphysical principles- be wise. So in your dealings with that man or lady who has been the source of the surround sounds around, I’d advise you to be wise as serpent and shine your eyes very well, critically and prayerfully analyse any red flag that presents itself in the course of your interactions together, do not ignore the counsel of others as well and be deliberate about love…be led.
Oftentimes when I look around me to see how people labour to lead a tranquil and fulfilling life I’m almost saddened to discover that people have forgotten their identities, they have forgotten who they are and some are not even aware of any identity whatsoever, as the bible rightly pointed out in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13) they’ve allowed to struggles of life rob them of their God-endowed heritage. Many persons have been stylishly brainwashed into disbelieving/neglecting the truth of the gospel while embracing the lies of the world hook, line and sinker. I see a people groaning and writhing under a heavy burden so desperate for a Moses to lead them out of captivity, I see a people so freely tormented by the devil without reprimand of any sort all because they are not fortified with the knowledge of who they truly are.
Overtime I have been privileged to listen to Christians say about themselves that they are sinners and that if they tried approaching God He just might not answer them, they see Daddy as a judgemental Father who is always awaiting an opportunity for them to fall into errors just so He can wield the big stick on their frail buttocks when Hebrews 4:16 KJV records that God wants us to come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. In fairness to those who belong to this school of thought; they are only playing out the script written, directed and screenplayed by their illusional minds no thanks to the devil’s subtle suggestions to their undiscerning minds. May I say to you this day that God in His infinite mercy and love which are renewed every morning is not vindictive as people of the world view Him to be, He’s not seeking for an avenue to give a migraine-eliciting knock whenever you fall into sin, He’s not also pointing searchlight at you (like the FBI after a runaway criminal) just to make sure He finds something to accuse you with, NO, He’s not the devil, that role is exclusively Satan’s intellectual property right…God cannot condescend to such accusatory role because He’s got no darkness in Him.
God is the all-knowing Father who knows the end from the beginning and the beginning from the end. It is very important for you to remember that before He formed you He already knew you (Jeremiah 1:5), your strengths and weaknesses are as plain before His eyes just as the palms of your hands are before your eyes. He knows what you can/cannot do, all the sins, pitfalls and occurrences that may possibly confront you in years to come are already plain before Him. He drafted your operation manual, you’re the work of His hands, and He’s not seeking to destroy you rather He longs for a loving and cordial relationship with one of His priced possessions.
You can think about it this way…how many junior workers of an establishment/organization/company can speak to the top boss of such company, how many does the CEO have a relationship with or how many citizens of a nation can request to speak with the president of that nation, your call would probably stop at the desk of the secretary to the secretary to the secretary of the personal aid to the president (such is the bureaucratic bottleneck that attends to our establishments here on earth) but here is the master of the whole universe, President of the whole world, the One who installs and removes presidents, the One whom all things were made through, for and by Him coming down to our level to have a relationship with us, isn’t that too low a status for the master of the whole universe to descend all in the name of wooing you unto His side? no wonder the psalmist asked ‘what is man that You are mindful of him…’ (Psalms 8:4)
There is a sharp distinction between a sinner and a true believer who falls into sin; I’d illustrate this distinction with two animals that we’re very familiar with (pig and cat). A pig as we all know is an animal who rejoices in and celebrates dirt, put a pig in a clean pen with clean water source and watch closely how it utilizes the resources provided it, I remember when I used to work in my father’s piggery, it is never an uncommon sight for you to sight the pigs urinating in their water source and even sometimes they’d defecate in their food trough as well. The height of disgust comes when they have defecated and water somehow flows into the pen (you do not want to see them play hide and seek with each other in such moments, it’s always so disgusting). A cat on the other hand is a very clean animal; it doesn’t tolerate the presence of dirt as pigs do, ever seen a cat fall into a bowl of yam flour powder before? It screams as if it’d been shot, all the way shaking its body to dust off the powder.
A sinner, just as the pig loves dirt thrives in sin as a bacteria thrives luxuriantly in a richly fortified medium, sin is his nature, he cannot do without sinning, his conscience is already seared and as such it doesn’t reprimand him of any wrongdoing, there’s no check whatsoever on his deeds while a true believer on the other hand is likened as unto a cat, he doesn’t like dirt/sin, he doesn’t possess the sinful nature, he still has his conscience pricking him each time he errs but he can fall into sin and just like the cat he can run screaming to God for forgiveness of sins while jettisoning the sins. Moreover God doesn’t see the true believer who falls into sin as a sinner rather He see the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21), He sees someone who had been bought and redeemed with a high price: the precious blood of Jesus Christ.
When you’re a bonafide child of the most High, you have automatically become a citizen of heaven, you belong to the government of zion, you are a strategic planting of the Father here on earth, you are simply functioning as heaven’s ambassador here on earth. You’re probably wondering to yourself that this is a hardsaying who can comprehend it; hear what apostle Paul had to say in (Ephesians 1:20-23 MSG) it says “all this energy issues from Christ: God raised Him from death and set Him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from His rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church. The church you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ’s body, in which He speaks and acts, by which He fills everything with His presence” (I’d suggest you take some time off to let those verses register in your mind).
The emboldened part says ‘the church is Christ’s body in which He speaks and acts’…just ruminate on that sentence critically and tell me what you can deduce from it. Let me confirm your suspicion, the sentence is simply speaking about you, yes you, you are Christ’s body here on earth, not the benches, microphones and speakers in a church building but you and only you. When Jesus was about leaving the earth for heaven, He delegated His authority here on earth to each and every one of us (true believers)( Mark 16:17; Luke 10:19) to profit withal, to enforce the Christ-given victory over the world and the devil (John 16:33). If you are still in oblivion as to the heritage and identity that Jesus purchased for you through His blood; read Ephesians 2:6 MSG, you can start your own reading from verse 1 for clarity purpose but verse 6 says ‘then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our messiah’ Wooooooooooow! What a divine revealing this has been, what a display of love from our heavenly Father raising us up to sit with Christ in heavenly places…Who does that? Raising up a nobody and making him reign together with His beloved son in heavenly places? only God is capable of doing such and this attests to the genuineness of His love for us (that reminds me; watch out for another great post soon to grace the webspace ‘God and His hosts of nobodies’).
I must confess to you that since the day this revelation leapt at me from the pages of the holy scripture, I haven’t quite recovered from it, I concluded in me that never will I be ridiculed or subjected to slavery of whatever kind again, since coming to this realisation of my identity I have learnt to exercise my God-given authority to change situations and level the mountains before me.
You would do well to identify with your present location: you have been raised up and set in highest heaven with Jesus Christ, you are from the government of heaven, over and above all rulership, government, authority, principalities and powers; you have to be conscious of your status as “heaven’s ambassador to planet earth”. You are no ordinary person my friend, no true believer is, you have a heavenly pedigree. This however does not say you should not obey constituted authorities here on earth, NO, obey the authority that governs where you live because they are God’s ministers to execute wrath upon those who doeth evil (Romans 13:4 KJV). But when a constituted authority is reeling out decrees, pronouncements, bills, acts that negate the pronouncement of heaven, then that is time for you to take your stand as “heaven’s ambassador” to report the brewing matter to your Father who resides in heaven, who presides over all affairs in heaven, earth and deep in the sea. You should be the one to dictate the pace of happenings around you, not the other way round.
Always remember that you are far above the influences of demons, wickedness, perils and debilitating forces of this world, only the ignorance of not knowing your true identity can make you subject to endless toiling and oppression from the accuser of the brethren and his cohorts. So having been armed with the truth, will you let it set you free or will you let your present challenges choke it of its potency? C’mon stand up and fight for what is yours, wake up from your slumber and take a stand against decisions that negatively affect your existence.
So be confident in your strides as you go out today and accomplish those feats you think are impossible because with God all things are possible!
WARNING: SOME EXPLICIT CONTENT
Let me talk to the brothers today, you see, physical attraction does matter in a relationship. Life is not generic, it is specific… we all have our tastes, what I want or desire in a lady may not necessarily be what you desire for a marriage partner and you don’t need to over-spiritualise relationship. Some people are overly spiritual that they’ll spiritualise even biscuit or sachet water. Attraction matters! It is dangerous to marry someone you’re not attracted to, I’d say you’re setting up your relationship on a ticking time-bomb; you’ll set yourself up for sexual frustration.
Dating back to bible days, attraction was the problem in the love triangle starring Jacob, Leah and Rachel and you could see the costs! Jacob wasn’t attracted to Leah one bit but he was hoodwinked into marrying her against his desire, his real heart desire was Rachel. Attraction affects loving and it got so bad even God (Arugbo-ojo Himself) had to acknowledge that Leah was unloved. A MAN’S LOVE IS INFLUENCED BY THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF HIS WIFE (you can ask any honest married man). You are at the risk of not loving your wife, subjecting her to il-treatment if you’re not attracted to her. The complications that show up in Jacob’s family history are the direct result of the lack of affection for Leah.
Lack of affection creates major problems in marriages and your attractiveness to your wife will often determine the state of sexual congress between both of you. You can’t be in a marriage and have no physical tang for your wife, Naaah! You will create major problems for yourself and your wife and the poor lady won’t understand why you don’t want her…And just how are you going to tell her you don’t want her no more without risking being the cruelest person on earth!
Usually, problems of physical attractiveness are veiled by early arrival of babies. The wife devotes much attention to the babies and hardly notices the lack of physical interest in her by her husband but it’ll be just a matter of time before he begins to give her the Leah treatment. Women intuitively know when a man doesn’t love them and I know you don’t want a dutiful marriage, you want a marriage full of love and affection, you want romance (well I do, lots of it too). Isaac was obviously the romantic type and I guess that’s where Jacob got all the lovey-dovey attributes from – he was used to open display of affection, his mum was quite a beauty and she was romantic as well. Biblical record has it that Isaac was “sporting” with his wife. “Sporting” is a 17th century expression for fondling so it just means Isaac was fondling his wife. So there’s all that fondling and kissing that goes on in the context of marriage between husband and wife and if you’re not physically attracted to your wife you’ll definitely miss out on it. Common sense of course dictates that attractiveness should not be the sole basis of your marital choice. There’s intellect, character, temperament, honesty etc, but the physical also matters!
The caveat is this, what is attractive to one man may not be attractive to another. Cultural, environmental and religious exposures influence taste, but culturally for some men the mammary glands (breasts) are an irresistible force of attraction while for others it’s the derriere, yet for some men it’s the face that matters and for others it may just be the legs (straight and hot!). For some men it’s the hair, and for some others it has to be the neck, especially slenderised long necks. Some men prefer babes with chocolate tone; others prefer light babes, while charcoal complexion would do the trick for some. Some men are into body fat and some like slim women and others are just in-betweeners. Somewhere in this polychromatic and appurtenant variegatedness lay combinant features suitable to every man but the breast is a major unifier of brethren (laughs), it’s the commonest reference for men. Hear some advice from the king of 700 wives and 300 concubines – Solomon: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you always.” Then he goes further, “May you always be captivated by her love.” So you can see that physical attraction can hold a man.
He warns you however not to spill your seeds (semen) on the streets, “having sex with just anyone” And not to “fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman.” (Solomon’s words not mine) so according to Solomon therefore, a woman’s breasts and physical features captivate and attract men.
If you marry someone you’re not attracted to, you’ll set yourself up for sexual pressure. One of the words translated love in the Bible is “eros. Yep, you got it. It’s from that word we got the word, “erotic”. There are four ancient words for love – agape, philia, storge, eros. Agape is translated unconditional love or fundamental love. Philia is friendship. Philadelphia was named after it; it literally means “brotherly love”. Storge is the natural love of a parent for his or her child. It’s familial love. Then there’s eros. It’s sexual love. You should be sexually attracted to the woman you want to marry. I’m not saying you should be all over your babe but what I’m saying is that sexual attraction is a qualitative factor of a healthy relationship.
Spirituality of course does not negate physical attraction; couples who ignore it are still going to pay for it in endless hours of fasting and prayers. That is why negligees and other sexy designs are intended to stimulate erotic love in a marriage, you should buy them for your wife! Sensual music also plays a part in stimulating romance in a marriage, and Solomon wrote a few I am sure you know that, and you can’t employ praise-worship songs for romance! They just wouldn’t fit.
Allow me share some of the phrases from Solomon’s lyrics with you: “Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine…” So you can see that kissing is romantic. “How fragrant your cologne; O most beautiful woman…” So cologne is cool and toasting is allowed. “I am weak with love… Your lips are like scarlet ribbon, your mouth so inviting.” So lipstick is a seducing factor-Sensual. “Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates…” So it’s okay to use rouge to accentuate the face. “Your breasts are like the two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle…” Again, we see the breasts at play as sensual influencers for men. If physical attractiveness is not important, or unholy, why would God put all these stuff in the Bible?
So brothers, marry the woman you consider beautiful and whom you’re attracted to, don’t ignore the physical. I haven’t seen any spiritual standard for physical beauty. We’re all influenced by our backgrounds and exposure and God has made it so easy that there are always beautiful choices for each of us.
And lastly don’t allow anyone choose a wife for you, they’ll only be choosing THEIR taste in women, they can’t know your secret taste because your taste is specific to only you…all the best…